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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Ultimate Disclaimer for Every Occasion!

This posting does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the article or parts of it in commercial publications, or as part of any fee-based services or products. FaceBook does not have a face nor is it a book and should not be considered as such. Do not TAUNT Happy Fun Ball.

Pregnant asthmatic breast-feeders with epilepsy should consult physician before use. Further redistribution’s only allowed unedited and in its entirety by electronic transfer (anonymous FTP, Gopher, WWW and mail servers), storage media, and printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added upon request.

Your mileage may vary; no substitutions are allowed; for a limited time only while supplies last; offer void where prohibited; is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; slippery when wet; may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; rinse, wash, repeat.

Limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; ask us about our trade-in plan; you need not be present to win; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during posting; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig. Use only with proper ventilation; for external use only.

Children, get your parents permission before dialing. Should swelling, redness, rash, irritation or other forms of skin-badness occur, discontinue use immediately; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; professional driver on closed course - do not attempt!

Press 1 for English, press 2 for Spanish, press e-thray for Pig Latin, pres-ley, Elvis sang 'Hound Dog', press up button for elevator, press pants before wearing at formal events, press barred from courtroom, press on even when you feel discouraged and defeated, pres-ley, Lisa Marie should never have married Michael.

Text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; all fonts used here are completely green - clean carbon footprints only! No animals were used to test this posting, no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; posting not to be read while sleeping; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a someone who cares; offer valid only at participating Internet sites. Offer not valid on Tuesdays.

Slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; please remain seated until the we have come to a complete stop; objects in the mirror may be funnier than they appear. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, move on. We can alter the spicy to your liking.

This disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply but we won't disclose which ones here.

And, as always, offer not valid in Fresno and some parts of Utah.