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Thursday, July 03, 2008

Sprain in the Spirit

Here's a little story I cooked up after my wife and I were having a conversation recently about church healing services...I couldn't resist writing it once I thought of the title!

Sprain In The Spirit - The People vs. The Holy Ghost

-Goodyear, AZ

Calling himself a "personal spiritual-injury attorney", Donald P. Schmuckford claims that hundreds, if not thousands, of believers have been injured by the Spirit of the Lord and he's decided to take his case to court, having recently filed a class-action law suit against the Holy Spirit himself.

Schmuckford says he's received call after call from clients who have attended various church healing services, only to be further injured in the process. "It's just not right," he says. "These people in trust are coming to healing services with a variety of ailments, only to be further harmed by careless pastors whose sanctuaries are not properly outfitted for this."

When the pastors pray over them, and inevitably press forcefully on their foreheads to initiate the healing, Schmuckford claims his clients at times fall backwards onto wooden pews or equipment on the stage, in cases where the pastor slays them in the wrong direction.

"Frankly, I'm not sure why pastors can't set up cushioned mats behind parishioners, or mattresses, or something, to prepare for these healing services. Or better yet, why can't they have church members sit or lay down first, then go for the forehead? I'm not even sure I get the whole forehead-pressing thing, myself - can't they get slain with a light tap on the back, or perhaps an energetic high-five? We'd see far fewer injuries that way and it might be more fun, no?"

Schmuckford doesn't deny that folks are often healed by the Holy Spirit, only adding that they sometimes then suffer further injuries through the slaying process, he says.

"One poor guy suffered from severe ingrown toenails going into the service, which the Holy Ghost did indeed heal. But because he fell back onto a sound-mixing board when the pastor gave him the 'old-V-8-tap' on the head during the slay-ification process, he ended up needing back surgery due to the tremendous impact of that fall. It's nuts."

The legal beagle also details a story of several parishioners who were injured in a domino-type effect when fourteen heal-ees were slain simultaneously, leading to several broken bones, a dislocated shoulder, and one groin injury.

When asked why he's suing the third member of the Trinity, rather than the pastors who would seem to be more at fault, Schmuckford retorts, "You've got to go after the source of power, and clearly the Holy Spirit is ultimately responsible in such mishaps. Besides", he adds, "where would the sizzle and publicity come from if I were to sue 'Joe Pastor of the local congregation'?! You gotta go after the deep pockets - that's just the way the system works!"